Choice
On Tuesday, well all head to the boutique together. Were going to pick out a dress for Nina! Elizabeth pushed her plate aside and leaned back in her chair, her voice floating as if in a half-remembered melody.
Why with us, not with her mum? came Janes voice from across the morning haze of tea and buttered toast.
As if you dont know what Ninas mum is like!
She seemed normal enough, I thought. I hardly remember her, just those times when Nina invited us to the theatre for her premieres.
That normal woman kicked her youngest daughter out the flat as soon as she got married.
Why? Was the flat too small?
No, her sense of security was tiny. She was scared of a bit of competition.
Jane dropped her fork and fixed Elizabeth with a stare as sharp as the morning sunlight breaking through grime-stained windows.
Ugh, Egerton! Youve always been a gossip, but youve outdone yourself this time!
What do you want from me? Im just telling it straight. Everyone on our course knows the story! Ninas sister stayed in halls with our lot until she managed to get a job. Youve seen her too, you just dont remember. Iris! Fair-haired, skinny, a mole on her cheek. You even said once, In this day and age anorexia seems to overrule sense, doesnt it? Remember now? She simply couldnt afford food. Nina helped, of course, but Iris has too much pride. Wanted to do everything herself! She got by on bread and water until one of the lads found her a proper job. She works at the clinic, in your area. Havent bumped into her? Although, youre our shoemaker without shoes doctor, arent you!
Were not talking about me.
Oh, but we are! Ill be sorting that cough of yours later, so dont give me that look! Im a doctor too, you know. And I remember the Hippocratic oath, at least in patches.
Save it for another time, colleague. So, what happened with Iris? She moved into halls, then what? Still living there?
No. Then Mums toyboy did a runner, and Iris and her mum made up. She refused to move home, though.
So where does she live now?
In a fit of deep remorse, Mum handed Nina and Iris the keys to Grandpas old flat. Thats where they are now. Ninas moving in with her future husband soon, and Iris will stay put. Theres at least some semblance of justice in the world, isnt there? Ah, Nina! Who are you abandoning us for?
Elizabeth feigned a melodramatic sigh and reached for pudding.
The little bistro around them hummed softly onions sizzling, knives clicking against plates, and a short order cook muttering in the background. Jane always found the quaintest spots, even though shed only lived in the north for what not even a decade? Elizabeth wrinkled her nose, trying to count how long had they known each other now?
Why so gloomy? You look like the sky over my currently empty head, said Jane, wolfing down food with a students disregard for chewing. Jealousy, Elizabeth, is a mortal sin, just so you know.
Thats not it!
Then what?
I was just wondering how long weve known each other. Ten years? Eleven?
Thirteen. From the very day I arrived for uni and we met.
Elizabeth sighed.
Thanks, dear friend! she huffed and stuck out her tongue at Jane.
Incorrigible! Jane laughed. Whats that for?
Reminding me that Im ancient, obviously! My lifes drifting past like a punt on the Thames. Same old mire work, home, Freddie.
Oh, Freddie, you say? Tell me more, please.
Theres nothing to tell, Jane. He might as well not exist, for all the difference it makes. Nothing happens. Were just stuck.
Whys that?
He says its not the right time for changes.
Elizabeth stopped picking at her dessert and pouted, instantly turning back into little Lizzie, the darling of their uni days. Shed always found the key to everyones heart buoyant, the soul of every gathering yet all the secrets trusted to her were kept under lock and key, and she only gave out the keys to her own heart rarely and by accident. Jane, by bizarre fortune, had become one of those rare few.
Thered been no place for girls like Jane in Elizabeths old crowd. She was the outsider, the charity case from a broken home, a teachers pet with her nose perpetually in a book talented, no question, but only useful when there was a paper to bum or course notes to copy. Thats what everyone thought, until Elizabeth took her under her wing.
No one ever discovered how it happened. Jane and Elizabeth kept that as tight as whispered confessions in the night. But those who really knew Elizabeth guessed there was more to it than assignments, even though Jane had helped her with those too.
The story was as simple and as complicated as a corridor that turns in unexpected ways.
Elizabeth, the toast of every party, was incredibly picky about men until she met Max.
Everyone could guess what Max was up to, but no-one talked about it. Except Elizabeth, who was no fool and saw what her friends dabbled in. But she herself never touched the rubbish and insisted Max was the health-minded type after all, you only get one body.
And Max didnt take the stuff, but happily provided it for others.
Elizabeths infatuations were always fireworks, barely tethered to reality, but sooner or later, reality set in. She demanded answers from Max. He gave them in a nightclub, under the pretext it was her birthday and not the time to ruin celebrations.
What he slipped into her glass, no one knows. Blindly she managed to fish her phone from her bag and call someone before everything went blank. The next thing she knew Jane at her bedside, in student halls. Jane had brought her there, not knowing where Elizabeth actually lived. By a twist of fate, Janes number was first in Elizabeths call history. That night, Jane had tried repeatedly to contact her to return a finished essay. Needing money badly, Jane was always picking up odd bits of work.
Elizabeth didnt answer, but later called back. Jane couldnt make out much over the din but caught the clubs name and that Elizabeth felt awful.
Jane found the place fast, and it took all her will, and stern words to her knees not to shake too much, to drag somehow heavier than imagined Elizabeth out. She worried what might happen to her; Mum had always warned her, Those clubs arent for young girls.
Some strange force must have watched over her that night. Jane even saw Max, grinning, watching as she bundled Elizabeth out. For a moment, she thought about calling for his help, but that sly smile, all wrong, made her decide she was better off alone.
Outside the residence, she bumped into a girl from the course next door on her way back from her boyfriends. Together, they sneaked Elizabeth past security, and Jane exhaled only when she curled up on her bed.
Dropping an old blanket on the floor, Jane gave up on sleep and settled in to study. Why waste the time?
Elizabeth woke late, confused, realising she wasnt home.
Where am I? she asked.
In halls, said Jane.
Who are you?
The question scared Jane. They barely knew each other, but still.
Jane.
I dont remember you. Or myself, really. Just my name. How did I get here?
Jane explained, awkwardly. Elizabeth asked for her phone, called her mother, listened to her, then turned back to Jane.
Theyll be here soon. Dont say anything about this.
Dont ask me that. They need to know.
Why?
Because they love you, whether you believe it, or not. Theyre the only ones who can really help you now. Do you know what your friend Whats his name?
Max Yes, now I see
Then use that sharp mind of yours. Can you deal with him alone? No! But your parents can and get you sorted. Dont pretend to be someone youre not. Are your parents bad people?
What are you talking about? Elizabeth pressed her fingers to her temples, her head throbbing like an overinflated balloon.
And if theyre good, why dont you trust them enough?
I do trust them
Then tell them what happened. Youre their only child.
Not their only one
Doesnt matter! Every child is an only child for their parents. Or do you think parents just rotate backup children? Lose one? Never mind, got another!
Are you actually alright?
Me? Perfectly! Just thinking what my mum would do if I tried to keep something like that from her.
And what would she do?
Shed rouse two villages and three postcodes, and twist time backwards so I wouldnt cry. Shes a softie, except when it comes to me.
Elizabeth looked at Jane with such serious eyes, Jane almost shivered.
Jane suddenly realised she was no longer afraid of Elizabeth. That fear there since their first day fell away. She remembered her old school, being the odd bird for loving to study, and coming to uni feeling not just different, but alien.
Her grandmother once said:
Love, if you can grow your own shepherds pie from the ground up, Ill sleep sound at night!
Little Jane, kneeling to weed beside gran, had understood exactly.
The carrots needed more weeding, beetroot round the corner, potatoes were further away, and the onions were poor that year or so Mum said.
At five, Jane understood already too much.
She knew what no-father meant, though hers lived in a nearby village, moved out after the divorce, not interested in Jane or her mum now that he had twins by his new wife boys who looked strangely like Jane, though there was no warmth between them. The only family she had, after grandma was gone, was her mother.
Janes mother, Hope, was gentle and good. She loved her so visibly that even the oldest pensioners, who remembered Hope as a toddler, would scold her.
You let her run wild, Hope! Careful not to spoil the girl!
But Hope never listened. She worked on a farm, managed a smallholding, managed somehow to save every spare penny and dreamed her daughter would make something of herself.
They sobbed, clinging together in the last nights before Jane went away to study.
Mum, how will I cope without you?
You will! Id never let you go if I didnt believe youd do brilliantly. Besides, we havent a choice, love. Youll be a doctor, bright as a button. You love people its got to be you. Learn, darling. Ill help in any way I can. You always have a home. Ill always be there, if not right by your side, near enough. Remember that. If it gets tough hang on. And if you cant bear it, you know where to go.
Jane promised herself that shed only come back home after earning that degree. Disappointing Mum was unthinkable. Becoming a doctor wasnt just a childish dream from bandaging dolls it was a solemn vow.
She kept to herself at uni, focusing on her studies, moving through life like a tightrope walker, conscious that one wrong move could tip it all.
Everything shifted a bit after the night with Elizabeth.
After handing her over to her parents, Jane briefly relayed what had happened, waved away their gratitude, and dashed back to catch the last lecture.
They didnt speak for a month until Elizabeth came out of the clinic her parents had sent her to and then started their equal friendship.
Elizabeths homegrown social circles remained strange terrain for Jane, but with Elizabeth and Nina (her ex-classmate), Jane felt at ease. They were her first and only proper friends in this new world.
University ended, and Jane landed a job in one of the citys best clinics. Shed been noticed as talented and diligent, but it made little difference to her personal life. She didnt depend on her mum now, but living alone in a big city wasnt easy. Still, she didnt crave luxury, and the modest little flat near her workplace felt almost like a palace. She was thrilled she could walk to work instead of leaving before dawn.
Hope visited twice a year, proud her girl was doing well.
Im so proud of you, Janie!
Be proud of yourself, Mum! I owe everything to you!
Nonsense! I didnt go to all those lectures. You did it all alone, and thats something special! Who else forges their own path? Theres always someone helping out. I hardly could.
Youre wrong, Mum! I always knew you were there. That kept me afloat. Otherwise Id have been sunk ages ago!
Jane would puff out her cheeks, making a silly glug glug noise, and then squeal as Hope tickled her for being frivolous.
Only her mum called her frivolous, though; everyone else thought Jane was far too serious.
Cheer up, Jane! Youre not with a patient! No wonder youre still single, all stiff upper lip men dont go for that!
What do they go for, then? Jane ducked as Elizabeth tried to plant a kiss on her nose.
They like silly flibbertigibbets! With arched brows and pouty lips! No lectures on the effect of drink on the male body! They love girls with no opinions! Got it?
By then, Elizabeth was living with Freddie and fancied herself an expert in romance.
Jane though, watched with concern as her friends relationship with Freddie unfolded. Freddie was solid, organised, knew his own mind. The trouble was, there was no spark of life in him. Everything by schedule, by plan. It made sense but something essential was missing, and Elizabeth grew gloomier, confused by her own stifled joy.
Nothings changing, Jane, and it wont for the next five years at least.
What makes you say that? Jane poured aromatic tea, savouring the first hot cup after a sleepless night. Two back-to-back surgeries, and I dreamed of this all night.
Elizabeth cupped her hands over the rising steam, looking out at the drizzly world.
He told me our relationship will proceed according to his carefully drafted plan and asked me not to rush things.
Did he at least show you the script?
As if! Just the highlights. He doesnt want children for ten years.
Why?
He reckons thats the only way he can provide the right start good schools, trips abroad, clubs our sons going to play hockey, and our daughter do ballet and dance.
Seriously? Jane almost dropped her cup. Not open to negotiation, then?
No. Thats the only way. Also, Im supposed to leave work for ten years to raise the children, then decide whether to go back to my career or not. Jane, it terrifies me. Im suffocating under all this planning. What do I do?
Youre asking me?
Is anyone else here? Elizabeth rubbed away angry tears. Ninas lost in her happiness, but me Jane, you were right Im jealous! Badly, wildly jealous! When I see her looking at her Arthur, I want to cry!
Jane sighed, set her cup aside, slid closer and hugged Elizabeth.
Come here, you old softy! Jane wiped her tears and looked into her eyes. Tell me honestly, do you even love Freddie?
The pause between them said more than any answer.
Jane was about to ask more when her phone trilled from inside her bag.
Elizabeths face whitened as she saw Janes expression change.
Janie, whats wrong?
Its Mum
Janes blue eyes darkened, and a storm rolled in.
Mums had a stroke. I have to go, Lizzie.
Of course, go.
Apologise to Nina for me, tell her I cant make her wedding. Can I ask a favour?
Anything.
Ill sort work, but I havent time for packing can you take care?
Jane, are you saying youre leaving for good?
What else is there? I cant see another way. A nurse perhaps? Or move Mum here?
No, Lizzie, that wont work. You know that old saying: Theres no place like home? Its true. And you must live where you belong. My place is with the one person I love most. Nothing else matters now just sorting it out right.
You decided so quickly, Janie. Think it over!
I will. But not this. This decisions already made. Lizzie, honestly, its simple you have to live with those you love. Cherish them. Isnt that right?
It is
Then whys my decision such a shock?
You just make it so easily, as if none of your achievements matter. But your mum always dreamed youd make a career, become a doctor!
And I have. Thats important, but not the most important thing, Lizzie.
Jane smiled softly, grabbed her bag, slipped some pounds under the cup, and dashed from the café.
Elizabeth sat for a long time, lost in thought, not noticing as tears gentle, not angry this time slid down her face. The waiters left her at peace, quietly agreeing she needed her own time to mend.
Five years later, a recently painted gate creaked open by a cottage in a small Cumbrian village. Jane burst out onto the porch, shading her eyes from the gleaming midsummer sun.
Samuel! Theyre here!
A stocky, broad-shouldered man nodded and tucked their son into his pram, still rocking gently.
Sleeping.
Brilliant! You get the gate Ill go greet Elizabeth.
Jane whirled down the steps, pecked her mother Hope, dozing in a garden chair, and threw the garden gate open for her guests.
Welcome! Dennis, bring the car around!
Jane, you need burning, you witch! Elizabeth, juggling her sleepy daughter for a better grip, hugged Jane tight.
Whats this now?
You must be magic! How is it I spend a fortune at the beauticians, but you keep getting younger? Wheres the justice, hey?
There isnt any! Theres hardly enough in life as it is. Jane gently took Elizabeths daughter, checking over her friends happily well-fed figure. Whens the next one due?
December.
Boy or girl?
A boy! Just as I wanted a girl first, then a boy.
Wonderful!
No, not even the best bit.
Oh?
My marvellous mother-in-law just told me shes retiring to look after the children so I can keep operating! Jane, there really are some fantastic women left in England! I love her, can you believe?
Of course! And how are your parents?
Mums unwell, Dads always busy. Same as ever. But enough about me how are you?
Jane smiled, nodded Jane inside, and flicked back the pram cover.
See for yourself.
A chubby-cheeked boy, sleeping soundly on a duck-patterned blanket, looked so like Jane that Elizabeth couldnt help laughing.
Hes your double!
Mum says hes Sam through and through.
And your mum?
Not too bad. Potters around, even bakes cakes again. Tires faster these days that heart attack last year didnt help, but were getting by.
Elizabeth replaced the cover, kissed her daughters sleeping brow, and whispered:
Thank you, Janie.
Whatever for?
For everything. For that talk. For showing me how enormous the power of choice is. Im so sorry your mums illness forced your hand, but in my heart, Im grateful. If none of it had happened, Id probably still be with Freddie, convinced it was my only path. Wouldnt have met Dennis. Wouldnt have had Sophie. I never knew happiness could be so real, Jane. I thought it was only in books. And turns out no. Sometimes it just takes one decision, the courage to step forward, for happiness to nuzzle up like a cat and never leave.
Long rehearsed? Jane winked, stepping aside as Elizabeth shushed her with mock exasperation. Hands off, now!
You are impossible, Jane! Im pouring out my soul and you
I already know all about your soul! Jane hugged her again. Go freshen up with Dennis. Or take Sophie to the lake, have a quick dip. Everythings ready. Ill settle Sophie in your room, and when youre back well eat!
Oh, its wonderful! Elizabeth stretched and spun on the spot. Dont you miss your old job, Jane?
No time to miss it. Id almost go back to hospital, for the schedule at least. Here no clocks, but people who need me. And this sense of being needed? Never had anything like it there! Jane tickled Sophie, nestling the sleepy face against her. I do miss the operating theatre, being honest. Maybe one day Ill go back. But not just yet. Everything I love is here. And I am right where I belong.
Janes son stirred, Sophie peeked open her eyes, and time danced off in sunbeams, pausing only to snatch at scattered laughter and snatches of womens song as they picked their wild strawberries, just as theyd always dreamt, together.
